If you take a closer look at your current relationship or any of your past relationships you will probably realize that you tend to display many of the same behaviors. Perhaps you constantly try to control your significant other or maybe you try to please them any way you can or you notice that you have specific standards for who your partner should be. But there’s a reason for this from the moment we begin to understand the world around us we pay close attention to how our parents or caregivers behave toward us and to each other. And we start to imitate those behaviors. Basically, the people around us in our childhood shape how we relate to others in our adulthood based on how we give and express love. Most of us will fall into one of five distinct love style categories. Learning what category you fit into can help you cultivate stronger relationships so let’s find out what they are.
- The Pleaser
Typically people within this category were raised by parents who were either angry or critical overly protective pleasers may have also grown up in families with distressed parents or wild siblings. The pleaser is typically the good kid they do everything they can to behave well in order to avoid provoking their parents. In fact, children who turn out to be pleasers are usually the ones giving comfort to their reactive parents instead of receiving comfort from them growing up. Pleasers appear to be well put together they are usually very nice and have a giving nature. They are also very committed which is what their spouses get attracted to in the first place although they may portray themselves as having everything figured out. Pleasers are very uncomfortable with conflict if they become involved in a disagreement they try to end it as quickly as possible by either making up for the conflict or giving in. If a pleaser bothered by something they will usually be passive-aggressive instead of directly voicing their concerns. They’ve learned how to act in certain ways to ensure that they aren’t causing problems or making others upset. The pleaser has no personal boundaries and doesn’t like to say no they will put others needs ahead of their own. Even if it results in going against their morals they will do whatever they can to please others. Pleasers also care very much about the opinions of people close to them and they may come across as though they don’t have any opinions of their own.
What you have to learn in this style
If you are a pleaser looking to build a stable relationship it’s important to learn how to be honest with yourself and others. Especially when it comes to your needs wants and feelings it’s important to learn how to establish boundaries stand up for yourself and do what you know is right for you instead of doing what others tell you to do.
- The Victim
People who fit into this category usually grow up in homes with lots of chaos and violence with one or both parents being easily infuriated and violent from a young age. Victims learn the best way to get ahead in life is by avoiding attention and keeping under the radar. They stay quiet when the violent parent is around since that parent is easily triggered to avoid the heard of their angry or violent parents victims grow up building their own positive reality in their minds. And they use this as an escape route when real life becomes too much to handle. This may cause a lot of trauma which results in low self-esteem and the avoidance of voicing their opinion. Typically these individuals also struggle with depression or anxiety disorders. They may feel as if they don’t have the power to change things and because they learn to be compliant. Victims tend to just go with the flow and they have a hard time resisting influence and maintaining personal boundaries. Even when they seem calm they may feel anxious and believe that something bad is about to happen. It’s easy for victims to fall into addiction as a coping mechanism and they may also display anger toward children. Spouses of victims usually become attracted to them due to their compliance and non-resistance. However, as the relationship begins to develop the spouse may start seeing them as childish and began to dislike them due to their weakness. Ironically a lot of victims end up with partners who are controlling and infuriating like the people they dealt with throughout their childhood.
What you have to learn in this style
If you are into this kind of style you should have to emphasis on standing up for yourself and no let some other one take benefit of you.
- The Controller
The controller is usually raised in a home where they are given little to no attention without this needed form of human recognition. These children learn that surviving means taking care of themselves and avoiding dependence on anyone as adults. They feel as if they need to control things all the time because it keeps them from feeling helpless once they lose control they are left in a state of vulnerability. Controllers are easily provoked into anger because they learn to use it as a weapon to intimidate others. They often don’t have much empathy and will usually demand compliance from people close to them. Even when it can result in the other person getting hurt. People who fall into this love style category are typically rigid and expect things to be done their way and if things aren’t done their way the get very angry. For example, if they want to watch an online movie on Movie Hustle type of website and the other one is not interested then they get angry instantly. Controllers also believe that the more unpredictable and sporadic they are the harder it is for others to control them. They rarely step out of their comfort zone and like to deal with problems alone avoiding any situation that can leave them feeling vulnerable. They may also struggle with addiction. The spouses of controllers are initially attracted to them because of their ability to take charge of a situation. However, deeper into the relationship the spouse may begin to feel afraid and abused.
What you have to learn in this style
If you are into this type of style and category you should work on learning to trust others how to let go of control and how to manage anger.